I'm writing this specifically to the ladies out there that are dreading the upcoming Christmas season. I've been there.... I remember it all too well. Another year with no kids..... You hoped and prayed last Christmas that this year would be different, this year you'd be celebrating as a family. But another year has come and gone and still, it is just the 2 of you.
With each Christmas card that comes in the mail, your eyes well up with tears as you see each happy family. You want that. You want it so badly. A part of you gets angry that everyone else has such an easy time having kids and it is such a struggle for you. Then you feel guilty for being angry and guilty for feeling the way you do. You're sick of the roller coaster.
Do we force ourselves to go to the annual Christmas party? You know, the one with all the couples that already have kids.....You get there and grab a glass of wine right away and make sure you have it in your hands at all times, so that you can avoid the "so, are you pregnant yet?" question. You know all the conversations with the other women will somehow make it back to their kids so you contemplate whether you should try to join in the conversation with the guys (because faking sports knowledge is WAY easier than choking back the tears wishing just once you could join in on the conversation with the ladies) or hide in the bathroom to text your infertile friends what torture it is to sit through this and that you would way rather be sitting at home curled up under the covers in bed.
While you cherish Christmas morning with your spouse, it literally hurts to get out of bed knowing that there are no little ones to surprise with presents under the tree.....
You know what, I've been there. I will never forget. But today, let me give you a little hope.
It was December, 2008 and I was headed home from a RESOLVE meeting. I had just given a talk to the group about my story and how God had used my infertility to grow my faith and draw me closer to Him. As I drove home that night, I remember having this this indescribable feeling of hope. I knew that God was going to do big things with this group of ladies. Looking back, I'm not sure any of us had much hope going into that meeting. 4 of the ladies already had a failed IVF cycle under their belt, one of which was so bad that she didn't even have a single embryo make it to transfer day. One of them was going on her 4th IVF cycle with no live births to show from it. One of the ladies had a beautiful little girl at home and was struggling with secondary infertility. Several of the ladies had a diagnosis that meant her chances of conceiving on her own were slim to none.
Before I go on to share my talk from that night, let me fast forward to this year. On Friday night, all of us and a few additional ladies we got to know through our RESOLVE group that next year are getting together for our annual cookie making night. Let me tell you a secret about all these women. We've been there. We know exactly how you feel. We felt the same feelings. We had the same fears. But today, between the 12 ladies, we have 12 amazing stories. We have 27 kids and 3 more on the way!! There are 3 sets of triplets (yes, 3!!) one set of twins and one more on the way. 11 miracle babies (clearly they are ALL miracles but these were conceived with no medical intervention), several IVF babies and 5 snowflake (adopted embryo) kiddos. And there is even one woman from the group that never went on to have more kids after that and you know what.....she is TOTALLY happy and at peace with that! And the woman that had 4 failed IVF cycles....she went on to have 6 cycles before she finally got pregnant and today, she is expecting her 5th baby! God went on to do some amazing things in the lives of these women and He continues to do amazing things in and through them.
If there is one thing I've heard at EVERY Resolve meeting I have ever been to it is this: I just want a crystal ball to see into my future - if I just knew how it would end up, this would be SO much easier. Ladies, I am here to tell you, that God's plans for you, no matter what they are are PERFECT. The journey - it's really hard. You don't want to know how many failed cycles and miscarriages and struggles there were along the way......there were a lot, but you know what? There are 30 perfect and amazing kiddos that wouldn't be here without the pain and without the struggles and we will all tell you it was worth every minute of it and that we would do it all over again if it meant holding these littles in our arms.
Ladies, I am here to tell you to keep dreaming. Lean on each other. Cry with each other. Pray for each other. God has given you each other for a reason. Allow yourselves to hope. Allow yourselves to dream. Allow God into your plans. Seek Him, not because He can give you a baby, but because He can fulfill your deepest desires. So with that, here is my story..... I'm warning you that it is long. When I wrote it we had been trying to start our family for 4 years. Earlier that year, we decided to pursue embryo adoption and had been matched with a family that had 3 embryos.
(We would eventually go on to lose all 3 embryos - one didn't survive the thaw and I got pregnant from the other 2 but miscarried right away).
My Story
While I have
known about Jesus my entire life, it is within the past few years that I have
really come to know who He is and what role he plays in my life here on earth
and the life eternal in heaven. From
childhood on, I was fortunate enough to have exposure to the life and ministry
of Jesus. I was raised in a religious
family – attended church every Sunday and was brought up with strong morals
& values. This provided an important
background that I tried to build on my entire life. Yet I always felt there was some piece of the
puzzle missing – like there was something I wasn’t getting.
Growing up, I prayed often, but it was always
the same childish prayer, rarely ever a real discussion with God. I still remember my senior year of high school,
while going through the confirmation process, first becoming aware of the fact
that my faith was missing something, but didn’t know what. After high school, I came to Milwaukee
to go to school at Marquette. I assumed this bump in the road would pass,
thinking that once I went away to college, I’d figure out this whole faith
thing. I would have plenty of
opportunities there to develop some sort of relationship with God.
But college came
and went, and my relationship with God stayed the same. I went to church fairly regularly, prayed
when I needed something and even went on a religious retreat, hoping my
relationship with God would develop more deeply. It did for awhile, but soon after, things
returned to normal & I still felt something was missing.
After college, I
struggled with being in Milwaukee
and not really having a social circle now that all my college friends had moved
away. I’d get up on Sunday mornings and
church hop listening for any hidden message the scriptures might hold for me
but there still seemed to be something missing. I remember getting really emotional and kind
of choked up in church – either when I saw other young couples or other
families – I remember praying that I really wanted what they had. I remember thinking to myself, I’m a nice
girl – I don’t really sin much, don’t I deserve that?
A
short time later, I met Brad and we started dating. His faith background was similar to mine, so
we would go to church together on Sunday mornings. I remember thanking God for bringing him into
my life, but even then, going to church with him, I still felt like I was
missing something, but couldn’t figure out what it was.
About
a year into our dating, Brad and I were in a near car accident when someone ran
a red light downtown late one Sunday night.
I was a little shaken up, but had pretty much written it off as just a
close call by the next day. Then Brad
called and asked me – if we had gotten into an accident & died last night,
do you think you’d be in heaven? I said,
I don’t know, I guess – I’m a good person, I go to church – why wouldn’t I be
in heaven, right? That question was
nagging at him & it led him to start meeting with a partner at work in
bible study where he was introduced to the idea of grace.
I think we both
had seen God as this being out there that we needed to please & obey his
commands and as long as we did an ok job of that, he’d let us into heaven and
answer our prayers. Up until this point
in my life, I had a works-based faith – one that believed there was something I
could do to not only earn God’s blessing, but earn my way to heaven. But once I dug in and actually read the
gospel, I found God’s plan for us is so
much different than that. If all he
wanted from us was for us to be good people and pray to him when we need
something, why would he have sent Jesus in the world to die on the cross? If we could earn our way to heaven just by
being good people & believing He exists, then what we are really saying is
that we don’t need Jesus & that He died and rose for nothing. After reading the gospels, I began to see
that what I had been missing was a grace-based faith. Grace is the free unmerited love & favor
of God. It’s free. We don’t deserve it. And God did it because He loves us. He did it
because He knew we no matter how hard we tried, we’d still sin & we
couldn’t do it on our own.
What God really
wants is for us to come to Him, to have a relationship with Him, and to believe
that Jesus’ death and resurrection paid the penalty for our sin once & for
all. When I realized & accepted
this, I wanted to have a relationship with Him, to figure out why He had me
here and to live my life for His purposes, not mine. I finally figured out what, or should I say,
who, was missing in my life.
Ok,
now this new insight into God and Jesus was all fine and good while things were
going well, but enter infertility, my first real test of my faith. While in my mind I had accepted that yes,
Jesus died on the cross for me and I believed that and accepted this gift of
grace and claimed to have surrendered my life to him, I wanted a baby more than
anything. I got mad at God when it
wasn’t happening. Then I felt bad for
being mad and reverted back to my works-based faith. I thought that maybe if I just prayed a whole
bunch and joined a bunch of bible study groups and volunteered at church, God
would be happy with me and give us a baby.
He didn’t. I got mad again. Everyone else around me got pregnant. My sister, who was done having kids, got
pregnant when her youngest was only 6 months old. I got mad – it was my turn. I’d start comparing myself to everyone else
who conceived so easily. I’d try to
convince God that I was a better person, that I deserved a baby. I think after awhile, I even stopped praying
for one. I gave up on God. But thankfully, He never gave up on me. I came across this poem by Russell Kelfer
that I think sums up pretty well what brought me back to God and out of the
darkest pit I had ever been in…
Wait
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by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
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My future and all to which I
relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
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Then quietly, softly, I
learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
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I could give all you seek and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.
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You'd never experience the
fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
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You'd never know should your
pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".
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I took solace
in this poem – that God was working in me and through me in this – and that He
was faithful and wouldn’t ever leave me alone in this struggle. So of course, now that I had this all figured
out, in the back of my mind, I think I still thought he would give me a baby as
a reward for all my hard work – “Ok, I get it, Lord – its taken 3 years &
now I’ve really gotten to know you and so now we can get pregnant, right? You’ve done what you needed to do in me.” Wrong.
That’s when I got my diagnosis – I had a 1-2% chance of ever getting
pregnant. Ouch. Luckily the things I had learned in my
journey thus far had helped prepare me to get through the hardest news I will
(hopefully) ever have to handle. I’ll be
honest – I was still angry with God, I still didn’t understand why, but for the
first time, I began to really trust in Him- to trust that He was in control,
that He could bring good out of any
situation. I began to understand what
living your life for Him really meant.
And this time, in my anger, rather than running from Him and hiding from
Him, I ran to Him, and I yelled at Him.
I got down on my knees and cried out to Him. I sobbed for hours and really truly felt like
He was there to comfort me, letting me know that as long as I belonged to Him,
he would never leave me - that He will always satisfy me, no matter what my
circumstances are.
So
here I am - I’ve found a great church and an awesome support network of friends
there that have been there to lift me up when I get really down. I still have plenty of bad days, but they are
easier to overcome and move forward when I keep my eyes on Christ and put my
faith and trust in Him and His plans for me.
My favorite bible verse was and always will be “Trust in the Lord with
all your Heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek His will in all your ways and He will
direct your path” – Proverbs 3: 5-6.
I’ve
heard Joy defined as the quiet confident assurance of God’s love. As I prepare for my 4th Christmas
of waiting on God for a baby, I can honestly say, he has filled my heart with
joy. I am at peace resting in Him and
His plans for us, even if they are not the path I would have chosen. Choosing to follow Him doesn’t mean there are
no problems in life, or that I’ll never be mad at God, but what it means is
that I know he is there for me, that He is in control & that as bad as life
can be, that I’ll spend eternity in paradise with Him.
So while my
message to you today is not one that will guarantee you a baby, it is not one
that will speed up your wait, hopefully it is one in which you can find joy and
you can experience the peace of knowing God loves you & He is in
control. I pray that God is working in
each of your lives – that He is using this crappy situation to bring you closer
to Him - that you, too, would be comforted by Him & know the Joy of resting
in Him this Christmas.
