I've had a few people this week ask us how we chose embryo adoption so I figured it might be a good time to get our story down on "paper".
As I look back over our journey, I can see how God led us here and how He used the tough times to teach us how to rejoice that much more in the good times. It all started for us back in the fall of 2005 when we started TTC. We planned a big trip to Hawaii to watch the Badgers play thinking we needed one last big vacation before we welcomed kids into the picture. Hmmmm, fast forward 2 more years of trying, tests, failed IUI's, frustrations, no explanations and we found ourselves back in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, 2007. We needed a break. We needed hope. We were getting ready to start our appointments and next round of testing with the "big dogs" - the Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE's) and we needed some time away from it all.
On this second trip to Hawaii, we found ourselves at Makena Beach
And there, I think God started to plant seeds and get us ready for the journey before us. As we were leaving Makena Beach that day, I remember telling Brad that if we ever were so fortunate to be blessed with a baby girl I wanted to name her Makenna. He agreed that he loved the name:) We found out later the name means "gift of happiness"
In my prayer journal the next day, I let myself continue dreaming as I jotted this in the margins... Makena Joy Best
I was reading about Joy that day in my bible and I thought it sounded perfect:) We later added an n (mainly so people could pronounce it) and changed the middle name to Lee, but that is another story for another day.
I also prayed alot on that trip that God would help us to draw appropriate lines as to what we were and weren't willing to do for a baby. (ok, this might sound creepy to those of you that have never gone through infertility - I'm not talking about stealing a baby or anything like that, dont' worry!)
I'd love to say that we headed back from Hawaii full of hope and totally refreshed, but I very vividly remember sobbing on the descent into Milwaukee telling Brad I didn't want to go back to reality. It was tough.
A few months later, I feel like God really started to answer our prayers with signs. At the time I didn't fully understand what it meant, but looking back now. Wow!!
It was a REALLY cold January night in 2009 and Brad and I were driving to support a friend that was literally "freezin' for a reason" to raise awareness for the hungry & homeless in our community at the annual Waukesha Jamboree. I can't recall why we were in 2 separate cars, but we were. We got lost (as we always do in Waukesha) and I started listening to a sermon on the radio by Pete Briscoe. Keep in mind that had we not been in 2 separate cars, I would not have been listening to this because my dear sweet husband does not let me touch those radio dials:) ha! And had we not gotten lost, I also probably wouldn't have heard it:) I tuned in mid-sermon and all I heard was biblical reference after biblical reference to embryos and the sanctity of life. I started to tear up. This had been on my heart lately as we were getting ready for our meetings with the RE's and we needed to decide if we would proceed with IVF at this point if they continued to be unable to come up with a diagnosis. I had been praying to God over and over to help us discern what was next. I continued listening and as we pulled into our destination, I rolled down my window and told Brad to head on in, that I wanted to listen to the end and that I would meet up with him. I kid you not, as I sat there listening to verse after verse confirming that life was sacred, no matter how small FIREWORKS started to go off in front of me. Seriously, fireworks! I sobbed. Now, the sermon was actually about abortion but at the time I didn't know that or hear that - I just kept hearing embryo over and over and I knew God was speaking to me somehow, but didn't know how. I honestly was afraid - I was afraid this was shutting the door to what could be one of our only options not even realizing it was, in fact, opening a door to one of the greatest blessings ever!
The fireworks incident did help us both to really sit down and discuss what lines we needed to draw if IVF did end up being the suggested option from the doctors. Just to fill in some details for those of you reading that maybe aren't familiar with IVF (hmmm, that assumes anyone is still reading:)) the medical goal of IVF is to get as many eggs from the woman (within what is safe for her body) and fertilize them all. It is a numbers game - not all will fertilize, not all will continue to grow and once transferred, not all will implant. In a good cycle, 10 are retrieved, 8 fertilize and 4 make it to day 5 with 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze. Anyway, we had decided that we were not comfortable creating more embryos than we could honestly plan on using. What if we had 4 and transferred 2 and got pregnant with triplets? We didn't want to feel like we had to use the remaining 2 and we certainly were not comfortable discarding them. (keep in mind that at this point we had never heard of embryo adoption so that thought process of would we or wouldn't we give the rest up for adoption never came up in our conversations). The problem we ran into is that every RE we discussed this with (and there were 3) told us that while they would honor our wishes, they did not recommend limiting the number created because a) it would significantly reduce our chances of getting pregnant and b) it would be much more expensive!
Oh, God - why, oh, why us? I was honestly more confused than ever. We ended up choosing an RE and before getting overly anxious about what we would do next, we had another workup done on me. We had assumed this was just a formality and that everything would come back fine as I had already had all the tests done at my OB's office years earlier. Boy, were we wrong. We came to find out later that one critical test - the FSH test which NEEDS to be done on day 5 to get valid results was done on day 25 at my OB's office. And of course, the results that came back were heartbreaking. April 16, 2008 is a day that will forever be etched in my memory. We headed to the RE's office to go through our test results and discuss next steps. An FSH level of 10 or less is considered "normal". Mine was a 31. I was a young (well, 29 year old) girl with really old eggs. Boo! The only thing I recall our doctor telling us that day was that she suggested we use donor eggs if we wanted to carry a pregnancy or look into domestic or international adoption. I was numb.
We headed home and just sobbed in each other's arms. This is NOT where God was leading us - not to a dead end in terms of genetic children! I was angry. Brad was even angrier. I vaguely remember frantically paging through one of my infertility books for the chapter on high FSH to see what it said about options. Embryo adoption caught my eye, but I was still in such a state of grieving that it wasn't until a few weeks later that I was ready to let my mind and heart go there.
For the next few weeks & months I GRIEVED the loss of a genetic child - every little girl sees her husbands baby picture and dreams of a child that will look just like him or dreams of a child with her eyes. I needed to let go of that dream. And in time, I did. I'll be honest even after we decided to go down the path of embryo adoption I still cringed every time I heard someone look at a child and say...wow, so and so looks JUST like mommy!
Eventually, Brad and I picked ourselves backed up and decided to move forward. I had REALLY wanted to carry a baby and embryo adoption was looking more and more interesting to me every day. The more I read, the more excited I got. I researched, read, followed along on other's blogs and decided that maybe, just maybe, that was where God was calling us. I started to think back to the fireworks and a part of me knew that THIS was it.
I'll be honest, Brad took a little more time to get there. I think he was more afraid of the "newness" of it all and all the uncertainty involved. By early July Brad was on board and I was given the task of researching options for agencies, etc. I had narrowed it down to NEDC and Snowflakes and after much praying and discussing the pros and cons of each, we decided to move forward with Snowflakes.
Right around this time, I joined our local RESOLVE infertility support group. This could be another whole blog post on the blessings that flowed from this, but for now let's just say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. There was something so comforting about talking with women that knew EXACTLY what you were feeling & going through.
We chose Bethany Christian Adoptions to do our local homestudy and once that was done, we proceeded with the paperwork necessary for Snowflakes. By November of 2008 we were matched with our first match! The way Snowflakes worked is that for the application fee we were guaranteed up to 3 family's embryos, if needed.
We fell in love with our very first match - we were sure that this was God's plan for us and that it just had to work. The paperwork took a little longer than we hoped and our first transfer was scheduled for March 5, 2009. It was January, 2009 that I had met Rachel at one of our support group meetings. I still remember that day so clearly. She almost didn't come to the meeting because she thought we were going to be a bunch of crabby old hags sitting around complaining - ha! I remember her heart for God and His plans for her came through so clearly as she talked at that first meeting. She wanted to share what God was doing in her struggles and I loved her boldness to do just that. She was also seriously considering embryo adoption (the only other gal in the group that was) and so we hit it off from the start.
The night before our first transfer, I remember sitting in my living room with 20 of my closest friends & family lifting up our upcoming procedure to God. I remember being SO very certain that this would work.
Needless to say, when I found out 12 days later that I was miscarrying, I was in shock. How could this be God? Did you forget the fireworks? Why oh why more heartache??? Thankfully, it was Rachel that helped me pick up the pieces and turn to God instead of away from Him.
God did a lot in me and through me that summer. We were matched with another family in May, 2009 and the wait for paperwork and blood work and all the other fun stuff was longer than we would have hoped. In the meantime, our support group was growing and women were getting pregnant. Rachel and I had started up a bible study with many of these women that, had I gotten pregnant, we would have never been able to start. There were many blessings that came out of that heartache, but the best of all is the little girl sitting in front of me playing on my IPad as I sit and type this and the precious life that HOPE is implanting in my uterus this very minute:) On September 5, 2009 we did our next transfer, transferring 2 of the 3 embryos we adopted from our "Texas Fan Club" and on June 2, 2010 we were blessed beyond our wildest dreams!
As I read back over my prayer journal, I see a recurring theme over and over. In my 8th grade drama play we sang a song that I never knew would have been such a critical verse in my life's story - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek His will in all your ways and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3: 4-5
Over and over, I tell God in my journal that I know His plans are perfect and right. Over and over I give Him my trust. Why over and over? Because I'm human and I kept taking it back:)
Embryo adoption was and is the perfect option for our family. Shortly after Makenna was born I remember contemplating that if someone asked me if I could either have a genetic miracle baby next or have the one remaining embryo join our family, which would I choose. With no hesitation whatsoever I would choose this remaining embryo. There are a million different reasons - a) it is a life already created; b) it would be a genetic link to Makenna; c) have you seen how cute this little girl is? our genes could never compare:); d) I never EVER flinch when someone tells a child they look just like their parents - it really just doesn't matter to me anymore - God took that from me; e) we are all adopted sons and daughters of God; f) I really truly feel like God hand picked these embryos just for us & froze them until His time; g) ok, I'll stop here before I'm tempted to actually type out all 1 million. ha!
I'll leave you all with these precious gifts of life......
