Roller coaster...

I almost forgot what a roller coaster this infertility thing is....

 

Monday, we came to a crashing low after a serious bleeding/clotting episode.  I thought for sure that was it - it was over.  I was trying to be so positive and really trust in God, but I really was caught off guard and let my mind think the worst.  Brad kept telling me not to worry, to wait until we could talk to a nurse.  I knew he was right, but I couldn't help but worry.  I wasn't ready for this.  I was just finally starting to let down my guard a little and actually believe I was carrying another little miracle life inside me. 

 

I actually didn't even call anyone that night - not my mom, not my sister, noone.  I didn't want to talk about it, thinking that would make it more real.  I didn't want to hear the worry in my own voice.  I texted a few close friends to fill them in and ask them for prayer and that is exactly what they did - they covered me in prayer.  And it was exactly what I needed.

 

Fast forward to Tuesday morning and a somewhat worrisome call from the nurse - it was a good news/bad news kind of a call.  Bleeding can be ok, but clots can be bad.  The fact that I wasn't cramping was good but we decided to check out my hcg and go from there.  This wouldn't really be able to tell me anything but bad news - if it was not continuing to double, we had issues.  If it was continuing to double, that was a good sign, but still wouldn't tell us for sure.

 

Thankfully I got the call from my nurse by 11am on Tuesday that my numbers did continue to double and were 5834 (they should have been 3200 the day before and 6400 the next day).  Phew - that was at least a good sign.  She could sense the worry in my voice and agreed to let me come in for an early ultrasound the next day.

 

That night I was just skimming through random verses in the gospel of John and came across John 14: 1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  you believe in God; believe also in me."  I clung to that verse and honestly, I slept like a rock that night.  I woke up "feeling" pregnant and was actually looking forward to my ultrasound that morning.  A part of me knew that everything was going to be fine. 

 

We showed up at the doctor and were surprised to find our favorite nurse working.  She came into the ultrasound room with us and explained to us what they were looking for - that there could be nothing in my uterus and that would obviously mean one of those clots was the baby:(  Scary!  She said that we wouldn't likely see a heartbeat since I was only 5 weeks / 4 days. 

 

The doctor came in and still I really felt this peace.  We took a look and instantly saw the littlest snowflake:)  She made me hold my breath so they could get a good view and there it was - the little flicker of a heartbeat. 

 

 

 

I must say that while infertility robs you of a lot of joy- we have been very fortunate to be able to experience this little life at such early stages.  Most women never get to see a picture of their baby at 5 days or 5 weeks - most need to wait until the 10 week ultrasound.  We are feeling very blessed that we have been able to "meet" this little one already on several occasions.  Needless to say, we are back at the top of the roller coaster ride hoping that the ride evens out for awhile. 

 

I actually really needed to see that little heartbeat to confirm that yes, our prayers are being answered, and yes, this IS real.  While I am working at trusting God, I think there is a part of me that feels like this was all too easy.  Last time around there was WAY more heartache - it took us 4 years before God brought Makenna to us.  I think I really just expected that this would be harder - that it would take more work.  Not that it has been easy, there were certainly set backs with the cyst that wouldn't go away, the surgery, the endo, etc.  But all of those setbacks were answers to prayers - that God would make sure my body was 100% ready for a baby before we went ahead and transferred our last little hope.  Maybe that is why God keeps banging me over the head with the Trust in God - no, this journey to baby number 2 won't be as hard as the first one, but Trust in me, my child, and use the things I taught you the first time around to really just enjoy this blessing!

 

Thank you, God, for sparing us more heartache and blessing us with this little bonus baby!